Note: I initially wrote this on 19 Oct 2021. I'm currently in a far better position over all, but I thought it was still a good thing to put up. I know some people struggle with going out and finding motivation to get ahead in life, so I guess I want to show those people that they're not alone. It is hard, but it will get better. Get help if you can, maybe reconnect with someone you cared a lot about in the past. I believe in you.
Merrian-Webster defines it as "abnormal fear of being helpless in a situation from which escape may be difficult or embarrassing that is characterized initially often by panic or anticipatory anxiety." By this definition, I self-diagnose as an agoraphobic. No, I'm not a fan of self-diagnosing, but I can't keep hitting up the local psychologist every time I figure out something is wrong with me.
It ain't nice because I feel like I'm invading some space that isn't meant for me. I usually blame my over-awareness of where I stand socially (for example, being amab and being trans; I thought it was a fucked up fetish for a long ass time). Same goes for finding out something new about myself.
I went through so many interests when I was young, I was a pretty substantial financial burden on my parents. I went to some soccer practice thing because I was watching an animated show about soccer and thought it was cool. No, I didn't pursue it neither as a professionally nor as a hobby. I went through a coding phase, too, which didn't lead to anything at the time. I can only imagine where I'd be now had I actually pursued an interest consistently. Hell, imagine if I was actually able to socialize. Even the thought of going out is enough to make me scared. I can't fucking think about going out. Do you know how sad that is? Mom had to calm me down like a kid scared of a dog.
I should be out with friends drinking illegally, making mom worried and getting grounded for staying out late, studying for for an exam, getting stressed over grades instead of where my life as a whole is heading. What int he actual fuck is wrong with me?
I blame myself for the way I am today. I was 5 when there was an activity at a cinema with my headstart peers. They were doing the chicken dance on the stage but I stayed back at the table with my dad instead.